Ok, I dunno if its just because I've been craving rice pudding and this just nailed that craving to the wall or if I just really tweaked a basic recipe until it made my taste buds quiver, but here you all go anyway...

INGREDIENTS (Nutrition)

* ¾ cup uncooked white rice
* 1 ½ cups fat-free milk
* ½ c half-n-half
* ⅓ cup white sugar
* 1 egg, beaten
* ⅔ cup golden raisins (optional)
* 1 tablespoon butter or margarine (I use Land O’Lakes butter with canola)
* 1 teaspoon cinnamon
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS

1. In a medium saucepan, bring 1 ½ cups water to a boil. Add rice and stir. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 20 minutes.

2. In another saucepan, combine 1 ½ cups cooked rice, 1 ½ cups milk, sugar and salt. Cook over medium heat until thick and creamy, 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in remaining ½ cup half-n-half, beaten egg and raisins. Cook 2 minutes more, stirring constantly. Remove from heat, and stir in butter, cinnamon and vanilla. Serve warm.



If you want to save even more calories, you can use Splenda or Truvia instead of sugar. Use ⅓ the amount.

I miss my Dad. A lot. A whole lot. A whole WHOOOOOLE lot.

He was the end all and be all for me.

I know after 6 years, I should probably be over the grieving process, but the truth o the matter is, I've never started it. I've cried maybe a handful of times, not allowing it to get the best of me for fear that if I did, if I let myself crack, then I'd never get those floodgates closed again.

So I grieve inexorably, silently, slowly.

I'm also pretty damn angry too, and like my fear of being unable to stop crying once I let myself, I don't give into the anger either because I love my Dad so much and I don't want to feel like I'm betraying him or disrespecting him or his memory by being angry.

I gave in a little bit--just once. About a year after he died, maybe two--not sure at the moment as I'm kinda headachy--I felt my anger at him welling up in me and I couldn't help it. My Mom and my older sister Kimmy and I went to his marker--he's not buried there, but a good portion of his ashes are there, and while they visited him, I felt anxious and edgy so I walked around looking at the other markers and headstones of the others in the small, wooded section where my Dad was.

I walked over by the little creek, felt as if I was going to throw up so I walked back to where my family was, and I just felt my stomach knot even tighter, cramping and making my mouth salivate so I had to sit down, it was just that overpowering. No sooner had I sat down, then I felt the pressure rising, pushing up through my diaphram and straining my throat and I thought for sure I was just going to lose my lunch right there and then.

Instead I started clawing at the soil, fisting handfuls of earth and smacking my fists down on the ground, my throat so tight, that I was gagging, not on my lunch like I thought, but on anger. I was suddenly just so incredibly angry and bitter and resentful and just so absolutely, thoroughly pissed off, that I was blind with it and I just yanked up clumps of dirt and grass feeling completely overwhelmed with impotence.

He was really and truly gone and my not giving in to my grief only allowed me to pretend that I was getting along ok and then here I am, face to face with tangible proof that no he is not coming back and that no I am not ok and yes I am exceedingly angry at him for not taking better care of himself and it was too much.

Kimmy rubbed my shoulder, my Mom tried to hug me and again, I felt like I was choking, I just couldn’t get enough air so I got up and stalked away and suddenly my vocal chords got in on it and I let out the weirdest, longest sound and that was all it took and the anger just came pouring out of me and I started to yell at a man that only I could see but who wasn’t really standing there.

I remember shaking, feeling like my knees were going to give out, and hating feeling so wobbly-kneed and out of control so I stomped my feet with every step I took in pacing back and forth.

Stomp stomp stomp stomp turn stomp stomp stomp stomp turn stomp stomp stomp stomp…

Maybe I was trying to hurt myself, trying to feel something, anything, other than this acute rawness—like someone stripped me of my skin and muscles and leaving only this web of hyper-sensitive nerve endings and this overwhelming sadness and this encompassing anger.

Maybe I was trying to stomp a whole in the ground big enough to swallow me whole, I don’t know.

All I know is that for a few seconds, while I was there kneeing on the ground and yanking up fistfuls of earth, I hated my Dad. I hated him blindly, and then I turned it back upon myself and hated myself for hating him, even if it was just for a few seconds and then I hated him all over again for making me even hate him for that blink in time.

See the cycle?

So I yelled, I stomped, I cried angry, bitter tears for a handful of minutes…

…and then I deflated and my anger was replaced with this devastating grief and then my Mom and my Sister were there again, talking at me again, and their voices was able to get past the one screaming in my head and I was able to reign it in again and lock it away, down, down, deep down, buried as far down as my Dad would have been.

And now every year, on his birthday (January 17th), and on the day he died (October 24th), I let myself slip, just a little bit, and I give in to what I am feeling.

On his birthday, I make a chocolate cake of some sort, always experimenting with different kinds of chocolate—triple chocolate chip, devil’s food, double dark chocolate, etc., etc., etc., and I let myself cry a little bit, and I let myself be angry a little bit and I let myself be quiet and reflective and I let myself put everything else on the back burner and just feel however I am feeling, and then afterwards, I bake him a cake and allow myself to feel happy that he was ever in my life and feel thankful that he was mine and feel loving, remembering how much he loved me and how much I still love him.

He was the greatest man that ever walked this earth. He is the one I measure all others against and the one I want my sons to be like when they are men themselves and the one that I will always love, forever, without fail.

Happy Birthday Dad. I miss you so, so much.

Ok, ok...Sam & Dean are hotties. The only thing I know of them are that they are brothers and they fight the forces of darkness.

I've never seen an episode.

Nope. Not a single one.

Don't ask me where I've been all this time--still stuck on BtVS I suppose.

So I ask, where can I find full episodes to watch online, preferably from the beginning and without having to pay hopefully? Otherwise, I'll have to wait for Netflix to pick them up.

I can explain...


I wish all of you a very Happy Christmas, a wonderful holiday season and all my best for the upcoming year!!!

This is called the "alternative life meme" and basically you have to fill out the questions with fictional characters that come to your mind. Pick a different person for each answer. No repetitions!

1. The guy you would take to meet your parents:
Wesley Wyndham-Pryce (AtS)

2. The one girl you would do:
Faith Lehane (BtVS/AtS)

3. The guy you'd have sex with in your parents bed:
Sam Winchester (Supernatural)

4. The girl you'd take to the mall:
Buffy Summers (BtVS)

5. Your male BFF:
Spike (BtVS/AtS) or Oz (BtVS)

6. Your female BFF:
Dr Elliot Reid (Scrubs)

7. Your gay BFF:
Willow Rosenberg (BtVS)

8. The guy who'd take you to prom:
Dr John (JD) Dorian (Scrubs)

9. Your big brother:
Charles Gunn (AtS)

10. The guy you'd marry:
Seely Booth (Bones)

11. The two guys you'd have a threesome with:
Dean Winchester (Supernatural) and Angel (AtS)

12. The girl and guy you'd have a threesome with:
Dr Gregory House and Dr Allison Cameron (both from House MD)

13. The guy or girl you'd go clubbing with:
Xander Harris or Anya Jenkins (Both from BtVS)

14. The guy person you'd have angry hot sex with:
Lindsey McDonald (AtS)

An ant always falls over onto its right side when intoxicated.

I found some adorable small and tiny icons for Christmas that I'm gonna share with the rest of you because I know some of you are gonna change layouts and the like for the holidays etc., and so, here you go :)



They are a tad larger than the preview pic allows (click the pic to see exactly how large). You can download them at:

www.ndesign-studio.com/resources/christmas-holiday-icons/

Enjoy!

I make silent wishes all the time be it stray eyelashes, shooting stars (I don't see much of those living in a brightly lit city), heads up pennies, heads down pennies, pennies in a fountain, releasing of balloons, when birds take flight, etc., etc., etc.

I constantly make little wishes for myself and for those I know and love and even for strangers on the street. I constantly offer up thoughts of goodness... its  habit mostly, and one I've gotten out of as of late and this question begs for me to fall back into that little bit of wishy happiness again.

Bleh to that. I've decided to do an experiment: be happy no matter what.

If how one thinks affects how one acts and how one feels, then from this morning, until next week I will resist all bad thoughts, push the good ones and just let go of the negative and be happy.

The next 10 days are in my control, barring anything serious happening--but the normal, mundane, day-to-day everyday--yep, I'm gonna own it.

There are things going on in my life that I just cannot control and rather than constantly worrying about them, stressing about what I should or should not do or say or act and just generally feeling as if I want to crawl into a deep, dark hole... its not worth it. I cannot control what is going on but I can control how I'm going to act about it and I am choosing to let it go and sort it out for itself and deal with it when anything I say or do will be effective.

Until that time, I'm shiny, happy people.

Or at least I'm gonna fake it til I make it :)

And I think I'm gonna start with waking my sons with tickles and faceneck nuggles, giving them whatever they want for breakfast (or a compromise if they ask for candy) and then treating myself to a tall, light, sugar-free caramel frappuccino, no whip-no drizzle.

Hell, I may even splurge and go for a venti with a dab of whipped cream.

I deserve it! :)

Happy Hump Day to all of you and I wish you all your fave Starbuck's concoction of your choosing.

Hmm...good question. I have several, depending on the period of my life.

The Slow Moon, What Not to Say in a Room Full of Strangers, or quite possibly Postcards From the Magnolia Tree

Ok, so I have a friggin cold that has been naggin at me for the past week and finally today decided to have a family reunion and invited its mom, dad and every grandparent still living as well as every sister, brother, aunt, uncle, 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins and maybe a couple of 4ths to take up residence in my face.

My sinus is so blocked up and painful--the only thing coming out is blood (2 bloody noses and counting) and I am in dire need of entertainment of some sort.

I've qued up my Instant View on Netflix and now I need some reading set up for later tonight when the movies are done and to do that, I need help from all of you to point me in the direction of some really great fics (online and off) and if you can especially rec some GAnya, Xaith, (or even some Faith-centrific fics--though I'm happy with any and all pairings if you feel its really REALLY good)  and I'd be incredibly grateful.

Let me further say PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!

Right as rain.

What is so right about rain?

Sometimes I think the problem with the genepool is the lack of a lifeguard.

Umm, my freezer has a light O.o

Well, usually this time of the year, the nights are cooler so my comforts are all windows open, comfy pajama pants, watching telly in the dark (usually House, Law & Order SVU or CSI Miami or whatever movie we received from Netflix) with popcorn and my personal, furry foot warmer in the for of the Danimal.

I'm dressing up just a bit, as a goth fairy. Pictures forthcoming as soon as I take some :)

Holiday Season Edition
What's Your favourite holiday...
    
     1. ...song?
             Carol of the Bells
     2. ...movie or TV special?
            I love the weekend blowouts where they show nothing but Christmassy movies and cartoons back to back to back to...you get the idea
     3. ...memory?
            Every year there are new ones to replace my current faves--right now its my sons' running about in Santa hats and jammies with bare feets and soft, warm little boy smells and still sleepy but excited faces staring at the pile of gifts beneath the tree, happy because Santa remembered them
     4. ...baked goods or dessert?
            I love pumpkin pie, warm, gooey cinnamon rolls and pecan pie
     5. Each year, what is officially the moment that let's you know its the holiday season?
           When the air gets a bit cooler (I'm in Florida so we rarely do cold) and people start decorating and just being a bit nicer and more polite--and when my sons bring me their Christmas lists :)

So, my son's teacher told myself and another parent that we are no longer allowed to volunteer in the classroom every day. We are allowed two days a week and even then its limited as we can only do half a day on each day. 'Someone' "noticed" how much time that I and another parent spend at the school and hinted that other parents (of my son's classmate) may not find that copacetic.

This stresses me greatly as my son needs extra help due to his Autism, and allowing me to be in the classroom helps because then I can teach reading and the like to other kids so the teacher has more time to devote to the kids that need extra help (like my son) since Florida, as a whole, has done away with having Teacher's Aides in the classrooms unless there is a physical handicap, whereas then a TA is allowed.

What gets me is that my son's teacher is allowed to have two parents volunteer each day, one for the first half of the day and one for the latter half. If she is allowed to have a volunteer throughout the day, whats the big deal having the same one all day every day, when its what I decide to do??

Its not like they pay me nor do I hang there to coddle my son. I do not work with him at all. I work with the other kids and I do stuff to help his teacher like make copies, give individualized help for kids who need reading/writing/spelling practice etc., etc., etc.

It just pisses me off a great deal, especially when my son gets in trouble for things that other kids start--case in point, yesterday he was reprimanded for pushing a girl when I watched her get up nose to nose in his face so he pushed her away. She immediately tattled and he was reprimanded. Ethan does not have the mindset to say "Emma was in my face and wouldn't leave me alone," nor did the substitute realize that what Emma did was particularly upsetting to Ethan, because as an Autistic, he has boundary issues and does not like to be touched or have his personal space violated as it makes him grossly uncomfortable.

So, my two assigned days are now Mondays and Tuesdays from 8am to 11:30am and the rest of the week I am going to spend worrying and fretting and just generally anxious because I can't be there to see that his needs are being met and I'm worried that any progress that has been made will go down the drain.

Sometimes, I really hate nosy frickin people and uptight school districts trying to mollycoddle everyone.